Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
