u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
