I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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