Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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