I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
