Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
