How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
