My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
