I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
