Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
