just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
