From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
