And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
