I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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