I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
