yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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