Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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