Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
