The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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