Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
