hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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