my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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