Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
