Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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