New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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