If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
