I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
