I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize