i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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