so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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