I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
