my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
