We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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