just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
