If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
