then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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