When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
