I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
