hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
