There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize