you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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