i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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