so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
