im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
