I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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