If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
