I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
