When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
