i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
