we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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