My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
