Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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