woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
