i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
