Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
