No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize