Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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