I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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