I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
