I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
