Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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