Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
