I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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