life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
