Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
