Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
